Let me tell you about this shot I got yesterday. 

I began to feel pretty shitty on tuesday, so I did what I always do and pop a vicodin and called it a night. EXCEPT the fucking vicodin did not make this pain go away, which doesn’t ever happen. So I try to sleep this pain off for the next day until I wake up feeling like some tried to shove a BBC (urban dictionary it) down my throat. So I turn around (b/c the bed i’m sleeping in has a mirror as a backboard.. no really) opened my mouth and there staring right back at me were two huge-ass swollen tonsils covered in white spots. Obviously I start to panic because I have no fucking clue what is going on. My first thought is Holy Shit SOMEONE GAVE ME THE CLAP. I call MommaHong (because that is always my 1st instinct and she’s always right) telling her what’s up (I forgot to mention I am at my grandparents in Atlanta fucking Georgia the peach fucking state, which I can’t even fucking eat because I’m allergic to them). She then calms me down and says I’m sick, NO SHIT (always right), and that I need medical attention. Great (she’s right again). The last time I went to the doctor was when my brother was complaining about shitting blood (which is another story that he will tell you about.)

So the next morning my grandma wakes me up, somehow convinces me to put on pants and a bra and miraculously gets me down flights of stairs and into a moving vehicle. I then fill out some form (hopefully in english) thinking, if there is an option to die, I would take it. I finally get called, my grandparents insist on going in with me for moral support. The nurse weighs me and measures my height, normal. Then she refills out the form I wrote because “my hand writing was not legible.” (the hell it wasn’t I was dying). Then told me to wait. So I wait some more while my grandma prayed for me, because at this point she thinks I’m going to die or because my grandpop was chilling in the waiting room laughing at sick people getting weighed. 

Finally the door opens and this Korean dude walks in. He does not speak a word, does not even look at me, but rather just stares at his little tablet clicking away, probably to google translate what he had to say to me. I start to panic even more now because shit I can speak korean, but shit, not medical terms. He finally says “hi, sorry for keeping you waiting, let’s figure out what these symptoms are.” IN PERFECT ENGLISH. My heart skipped a beat of relief until he gasped after checking out my tonsil situation. He really did not understand the severity of how much pain I was in even after he asked me a bunch of questions like:

“What are you symptoms?” “Fever, throat hurts, sweating, throats swollen, back aches in correlation to my stomach aches, there are spots on my tonsils, nausea, headaches”

“Where is the most pain?” “In my throat and the rest of my body” 

“On a scale of one being the lowest and ten being the highest, where does your pain lie?” “15”

Then he checked my ears, nose? (not sure why), my chest, stomach, back, arms, and finally my throat. Never have I heard a professional physician gasp so loud from anything before until, well, yesterday and if you count Grey’s Anatomy. He then went on to asking me about college and other random shit I did not care about while he tap tap tapped away on his little computer tablet thing. After what seemed like 25 minutes he finally told me what’s up. He told me I had a horrible case of tonsillitis (no shit) and the bacterial infection that caused it has spread to my body and that I needed antibiotics and a shot. I was cool with both situations that was about to go down.

He then led me and my grandmother into a “shot” room and left. Then the nurse that was my age walked in. I took my sweatshirt off and pulled my sleeve up and waited. This biddie in her little magenta scrubs, holding the needle in her hand, looks at me weird and then says to me it will not be going in my arm. I then stare at her blankly (I think) and wait for her to tell me where else it was going to go because, well come on, where else do adults get shots? She then asks me to turn around, (in my mind this does not sound right) then to pull down my pants (again something is still off), and to hold onto my shirt and “relax” (i’m getting raped in the butt while my grandma is standing here). As the 15 year old nurse slapped my huge bouncing light reflecting white as snow ass while injecting the most painful shot I have ever received in my 23 years of life, four tears streamed down my clenched faced. 

I told her how much that hurt, she confirmed, I walked out defeated. 

-Hong it does NOT rhyme with Shot

fyi

One time I got one of my ass cheeks stuck between a hinge of a men’s bathroom door in a church (sober). I cried for like 3 minutes, then could not sit for about a week. Not sure how my ass got stuck but I was 8 yrs old. 

-Hong with something I do, like rhyme with schlong. 

jhnmyr:

5/22/12

1. Queen of California

2. The Age of Worry

3. Shadow Days

4. Speak for Me

5. Something Like Olivia

6. Born and Raised

7. If I Ever Get Around To Living

8. Love is a Verb

9.  Walt Grace’s Submarine Test, January 1967

10. Whisky, Whisky, Whisky

11. A Face To Call Home

12. Born and Raised (Reprise)

Just jizzed my pants a little bit 

“Its a tire that has psychic powers that goes around blowing animals and shit up.”

:: Insert by huge smile :: 

- My cousin on watching the movie Tires

One time I hooked up with a guy with a neckbrace and all I remember from that night was helping him put it back on in the morning. Then basically ended up hooking up with him for the rest of the semester… 

(he only had the neckbrace for that one time…) 

go ahead judge me. 

-Hong with something I do, like rhyme with schlong. 

“Do you know how hard it is to kill a bear?!”

(insert longass silence) 

” It’s pretty fucking hard!”

-My brother on killing bears. 

Republicans enjoy their sex lives more and are more likely to dress erotically to spice things up than their Democrat counterparts. Though on average Republicans lose their virginity later in life than Democrats. 

-Hong wish it rhymed with random.

Do you remember back in the day when you would have class in the computer labs and everything was blocked and you had no source of entertainment so you had to do your work? I do. It sucked so as the asian genius that I am, I figured out a way to entertain myself. At my high school there was a main computer where the teacher had control over all the other computers in the room. The main computer had access to all of our computers and there would be times that our teacher would see that we were on youtube or googling things that we weren’t supposed to and take control of our computer and either fuck with us or shut our computer down. Since it would have been obvious for me to go and sit on the main computer in the middle of the room to fuck with people, I figured out a different way. Most of the computers had two rows on one table face opposite ways. After the person sitting on the other side of me signed into their name on the computer and opened up whatever documents they had I would go and switch the mouse and the keyboard with my own. Then I would proceed to type shit or start moving their mouse so they would either flip a shit or get shut down by the teacher. It got so amusing that I began to do it to all the people surrounding me. It was especially entertaining watching the kid next to me freak the fuck out when I would type messages to them on their screen and start opening every file on their computer, then lose computer privileges and had to either sit there doing nothing or go down to the grade administers office. It got to be so amusing that when I was in the library in college I would do it to complete strangers just to see their reaction. 

-Hong with something I do, like rhyme with schlong. 

“If my kids have to take care of their own family I would want to be in put in a home. I can have white people wipe my crap all day. Not because I can’t control my crapping but because I can.”

- My Cousin. 

Sometimes there are times you just gotta slap a bitch. 

When to slap a bitch: 

- When you are shopping and this gurl needs to stop at every store and try on everything when she ain’t gonna buy shit and waste like 5 hours of your day. Slap that bitch.

- When someone eats my food with out asking. Slap that bitch.

- When someone eats my food while I’m sitting there watching you eat my fucking food… you gonna get slapped bitch.

- When you complain about the white parts of your kicks getting dirty. WHY ARE YOU WEARING THEM TO THE A COLLEGE BAR, PARK, MUDDY AREA, OUTSIDE?!!! ima slap you bitch. 

- When you lend someone your text book and they give it back to you with highlighter crazy happy all over it. Slap that bitch.

- When someone borrows your clothes and gives it back to you dirty (aka cum on it). Slap that bitch.

-When someone borrows your clothes without you knowing or asking and gives it back to you with cum on it. YOU SHOULD SLAP THAT BITCH. (and send them a dry cleaning bill).

- When someone throws up on you. slap a bitch

-When someone lies to you. Def slap that bitch.

-When your significant other fucks you over. Slap That Bitch and dump em.

- When someone gives you the itch (not the good kind) down there. Slap that bitch. 

-When that asian lady fucks up your eyebrows when you get them waxed. cry for like 5 minutes so you get it for free, then slap that bitch.

-When those biddies cut you in line for… anything. YELL REALLY LOUD then Slap those bitches.

-When someone tells you the same story over and over again… 1. stop hanging out with them. 2. after #3 slap that bitch

-When someone complains about the same thing 3 times within the same hour. slap that bitch.

-When you’re all stoned and that one bitch keeps freaking out in small periodic times saying how high she is. fucking slap that bitch so they would shut up. 

- When someone is saying something stupid. slap that bitch

- When someone is stupid. Slap that bitch

- When someone can be bribed by a sandwich (no matter how good it is). Slap that bitch

- When someone talks shit about you or just talks shit. Slap that bitch.

- When is a mooch. slap that bitch.

- When someone is someone else’s bitch. slap that bitch

- When you try too hard. Slap that bitch.

- When someone is being shady. slap that mofobitch

When your name doesn’t rhyme with schlong. I’m a slap you bitch. 

To be continued. 

Hong

I eat fried chicken in my bed, alone in the dark with my tv on, on occasion. 

Judge me b/c I judge myself on things but not this. 

-Hong with something I do, like rhyme with schlong. 

I sometimes find enjoyment when I say ridiculous things while I hook-up with guys to see if they hear it. For example, say I’m getting it on  with a guy and I whisper sporadically things like: red jello, elephants, muggy, cumquat, clouds are moist, cockrags, etc. Usually they don’t hear me, but when they do hear me it’s quite entertaining.

Scenario: We’re doing it, his eyes are usually closed and his breathing is oddly loud and I decide in midst of all this that i’m going to say (under my breath) the word muenster (which is a type of cheese). If he doesn’t hear it the first time I’m thinking: cool, I got away with it. So now I think this situation is even funnier than before, so I try it again (depending on how long this last). I say muenster again (under my breath of course) and this time he hears it.

What would usually happen is that he would stop look at me with confusion and would probably say: “what?”

I would then look back at him in confusion and go: “huh?” 

Sometimes the person will just shrug it off and continue enjoying himself, other times we would exchange a few huhs and whats then move on.

The worst is when they actually call you out:

him: did you just say muenster?

me: what?

him: you just said muenster two seconds ago.

me: uh… no? what are you talking about?

him: no really, you literally just said the word muenster.

me: (giggle while looking super confused) no. 

Now if he doesn’t let it go after like a minute I usually just make shit up like: uh maybe its a ghost or something, or I was saying “yeah monster”, or maybe your ears are making shit up b/c i was moaning, which would make the most sense. 

-Hong with something I do, like rhyme with schlong.